My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”