Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
😂😂😂
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”