We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
You Might Also Like
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Before & after 😅
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting