Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.