None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
peep davidson
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.