Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches