A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
everyone’s a critic
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567