Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
😆this is so true
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
This cat wants you to take your pills
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )