Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?