911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*