Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?