Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger