So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.