I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself