Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A dad and his duck
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho