I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The French word for sex is croissant.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.