[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas