“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.