my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Had to try this trend 😊
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy