Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
They must have gotten it to go.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?