Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.