Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
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The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I put the hot in psychotic.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.