Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Wait a minute…
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.