I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
You Might Also Like
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Note to self: I am a note
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.