I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly