Me in tagged photos
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
That’s easy for you to say
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower