I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations