(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????