[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
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Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework