Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!