I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
pls suprot
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
That’s easy for you to say
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.