“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.