The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I never needed anything more in my life
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?