In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
bears
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.