I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Don’t touch that.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?