CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?