My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
You Might Also Like
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.