I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.