Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I’ve had relationships like this
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever