I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.