Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
scares
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.