Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do