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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
kitchen magnet
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Whoa… oh I see lol
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why