We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries