I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.