a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen