Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole