channeling her this year
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Cake!!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Those are good neighbors.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?