Me, flirting😏
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Something Saturday.
Lucky old June.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.