The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.